Ever since I was young, I remember I was a extremely shy person.
Not only that I was shy, but also I use to mood swing a lot.
For that reason, I don't think I have many friends. However, because of that I tend to have true friends.
I know I wasn't a easy person to get along with during high school. I thank my friends who still consider me as a brother... and I thank them so much.
Time has been changed.. and of course, I changed.
I no longer mood swing, have high temper problem or tendency to think negative thoughts.
I guess the environment changes people. I don't know where to start...
but if I have to describe my feelings, I will tell you right now that I have no place to stand.
To be exact, I fight everyday. I don't want to mood swing so I think of happy thoughts.
I don't want to be angry to I force my self to smile.
I have to change, because I don't have room for weak mind..
If I lose my self.. their are no one to help me.. no one to give me a hand..
I go down deep, even the closest friend cannot help you.. and my love will leave me.
I have many experience people leaving me.
I had 7 girl friends, and 5of them left me.
first one left me, second one cheat on me 12 times and try to jump me with 30 people, third one left me for another guy, fourth one cheat on me and left me, fifth one cheat one me and left me for another guy, and sixth one would just hit on any one, and the last one was the only person who didn't cheat on me but she drove me crazy. I don't want to go detail for each of them. It is not about them.. It is about me.
when I turned 19 my mother left our family for another man. My father started living with his friends family and later my fathers friends wife kicked me out of my Dad's house. lol
I had to live with my sister ever since. I guess everything went wrong ever since that time when my mother left us. I failed to get green card which all my friends has...
Try so hard to serve this country as a army or marine and that failed too.
try to go to school and since I didn't have paper to go I had to work getting less than minimum wage. My mom's husband would abuse me in words and even grab on to my collar while my mother was watching. And sad part was that she was just watching. I try to work hard.. I try to find hope.. I really tried.. but I really couldn't see anything during that time and when I found out about AB540,my mother got bankrupted and I gave away all my savings hoping it will help. amount was $10,000 when I was 24. Stupid of me.. I should have use that money to go to school.. but no.. I wasn't strong enough to ignore mothers pain.
Ever since that time my mother's husband didn't work. it has been 2 years.. and he still don't work. That is not all, he would use my mother's hard work money and go to gamble...
looking at that makes me so sad.. she left my father.. great man who always worked hard for his whole life.. for a person like her husband.. Year before that, I know this is a happy moment for my sister, but for me.. it wasn't. My sister got married last year and I had to find place to live by my self. My brother in law is a good man, however, his existence was separating the bond with my sister.. and I know .. I have to accept that.
She has her own family, and I know she already closed her heart for our family... long long time ago..
The time when she got married.. she even told me that she wasn't a good sister.. and she said sorry to me..
but I understand.. only if I closed my heart like her.. I didn't have to go through so much pain...
The time when I tried to go to school I didn't have money to go.. and I worked again for little over a year.. spend less eat less literally spend $1 a day working 55hour's a week and go to school at the same time but result of less time of study during winter I got a D for my statistic. I knew I can't work full time and go to school... but it is really hard for me to get a job due to my paper..so I save and save and finally made $10,000 again.. I know it is still not enough to graduate or go to 4 years collage. But I have hope.. I still have hope to do things what I really want to do!
So I am all out on this.. this is like do or die thing.. if i lose this chance their will be no chance for me to do what I dreamed of.
Thanks to my girl who would let me stay in her house. Because of her.. I can hope for my dream.
Because of her, I am happy,
because of her, I have a place to stay.
I got kicked out of my dad's house, I asked my mother if I can stay in her house long time ago when she was dong good and she told me that that would be hard for her because of her husband.. I couldn't live with my sister since she got married... all these happened ever since 19 to 26. And my girl.. let me stay in her house...
Having a house to stay is normal for every single one of my friends.
The very first time I had to live on my own.. I really felt like I don't have ground to stand..
If I don't make money.. I would have to be a homeless.
Just thinking that made me sad..
I wish I could gather around with my family and eat together..
I wish I can do that... but I know it is impossible..
at least not this family... but will happen to my own family with my girl.
For that reason.. when I have argument with my girl.. this give me pain.
I can't say things I want to say or what I really feels..
all I can do is bare with it. few times she told me to be my self.. and I did
but things gotten worse than ever..
My girl has bipolar. She takes so many pills everyday.. and see therapist.
so ever since that time.. I just try not to argue.. say sorry even if I don't think it was my fault.
Some times she would tell me something like she feel sorry about the fact that I have to deal with her..
But I tell her that it is okay.. because no matter what she does.. still better than what I have been through..
At least she would let me stay in her house...
At least she promise me that she will never abandon me...
I don't even expect anything from her... I shouldn't expect anything...
Through my hardships.. I understand what expectation would bring..
Just don't expect anything from anyone.. don't believe in chances...
Their are no chances for me.. only skills and through hard work will remain.
Never depend on anyone but be a person to be dependable.
Never say it is hard.. but just be a skillful person to over calm that hardship.
Nothing will happen if I don't move
I can't go forward until I start walking.
No one is there to use me when I am not useful.
Do not share your sadness, but let the sadness be a stepping stone for your success.
Sadness is just whining when it remains sad.
Never be a burden for anyone, but try to be a person who can be burdened.
It is much better to be burdened than burdening someone.
Because this my believe.. I do not depend or believe in chances.
Not only that I was shy, but also I use to mood swing a lot.
For that reason, I don't think I have many friends. However, because of that I tend to have true friends.
I know I wasn't a easy person to get along with during high school. I thank my friends who still consider me as a brother... and I thank them so much.
Time has been changed.. and of course, I changed.
I no longer mood swing, have high temper problem or tendency to think negative thoughts.
I guess the environment changes people. I don't know where to start...
but if I have to describe my feelings, I will tell you right now that I have no place to stand.
To be exact, I fight everyday. I don't want to mood swing so I think of happy thoughts.
I don't want to be angry to I force my self to smile.
I have to change, because I don't have room for weak mind..
If I lose my self.. their are no one to help me.. no one to give me a hand..
I go down deep, even the closest friend cannot help you.. and my love will leave me.
I have many experience people leaving me.
I had 7 girl friends, and 5of them left me.
first one left me, second one cheat on me 12 times and try to jump me with 30 people, third one left me for another guy, fourth one cheat on me and left me, fifth one cheat one me and left me for another guy, and sixth one would just hit on any one, and the last one was the only person who didn't cheat on me but she drove me crazy. I don't want to go detail for each of them. It is not about them.. It is about me.
when I turned 19 my mother left our family for another man. My father started living with his friends family and later my fathers friends wife kicked me out of my Dad's house. lol
I had to live with my sister ever since. I guess everything went wrong ever since that time when my mother left us. I failed to get green card which all my friends has...
Try so hard to serve this country as a army or marine and that failed too.
try to go to school and since I didn't have paper to go I had to work getting less than minimum wage. My mom's husband would abuse me in words and even grab on to my collar while my mother was watching. And sad part was that she was just watching. I try to work hard.. I try to find hope.. I really tried.. but I really couldn't see anything during that time and when I found out about AB540,my mother got bankrupted and I gave away all my savings hoping it will help. amount was $10,000 when I was 24. Stupid of me.. I should have use that money to go to school.. but no.. I wasn't strong enough to ignore mothers pain.
Ever since that time my mother's husband didn't work. it has been 2 years.. and he still don't work. That is not all, he would use my mother's hard work money and go to gamble...
looking at that makes me so sad.. she left my father.. great man who always worked hard for his whole life.. for a person like her husband.. Year before that, I know this is a happy moment for my sister, but for me.. it wasn't. My sister got married last year and I had to find place to live by my self. My brother in law is a good man, however, his existence was separating the bond with my sister.. and I know .. I have to accept that.
She has her own family, and I know she already closed her heart for our family... long long time ago..
The time when she got married.. she even told me that she wasn't a good sister.. and she said sorry to me..
but I understand.. only if I closed my heart like her.. I didn't have to go through so much pain...
The time when I tried to go to school I didn't have money to go.. and I worked again for little over a year.. spend less eat less literally spend $1 a day working 55hour's a week and go to school at the same time but result of less time of study during winter I got a D for my statistic. I knew I can't work full time and go to school... but it is really hard for me to get a job due to my paper..so I save and save and finally made $10,000 again.. I know it is still not enough to graduate or go to 4 years collage. But I have hope.. I still have hope to do things what I really want to do!
So I am all out on this.. this is like do or die thing.. if i lose this chance their will be no chance for me to do what I dreamed of.
Thanks to my girl who would let me stay in her house. Because of her.. I can hope for my dream.
Because of her, I am happy,
because of her, I have a place to stay.
I got kicked out of my dad's house, I asked my mother if I can stay in her house long time ago when she was dong good and she told me that that would be hard for her because of her husband.. I couldn't live with my sister since she got married... all these happened ever since 19 to 26. And my girl.. let me stay in her house...
Having a house to stay is normal for every single one of my friends.
The very first time I had to live on my own.. I really felt like I don't have ground to stand..
If I don't make money.. I would have to be a homeless.
Just thinking that made me sad..
I wish I could gather around with my family and eat together..
I wish I can do that... but I know it is impossible..
at least not this family... but will happen to my own family with my girl.
For that reason.. when I have argument with my girl.. this give me pain.
I can't say things I want to say or what I really feels..
all I can do is bare with it. few times she told me to be my self.. and I did
but things gotten worse than ever..
My girl has bipolar. She takes so many pills everyday.. and see therapist.
so ever since that time.. I just try not to argue.. say sorry even if I don't think it was my fault.
Some times she would tell me something like she feel sorry about the fact that I have to deal with her..
But I tell her that it is okay.. because no matter what she does.. still better than what I have been through..
At least she would let me stay in her house...
At least she promise me that she will never abandon me...
I don't even expect anything from her... I shouldn't expect anything...
Through my hardships.. I understand what expectation would bring..
Just don't expect anything from anyone.. don't believe in chances...
Their are no chances for me.. only skills and through hard work will remain.
Never depend on anyone but be a person to be dependable.
Never say it is hard.. but just be a skillful person to over calm that hardship.
Nothing will happen if I don't move
I can't go forward until I start walking.
No one is there to use me when I am not useful.
Do not share your sadness, but let the sadness be a stepping stone for your success.
Sadness is just whining when it remains sad.
Never be a burden for anyone, but try to be a person who can be burdened.
It is much better to be burdened than burdening someone.
Because this my believe.. I do not depend or believe in chances.
